winterkoninkje: shadowcrane (clean) (Default)

(Originally published as a comment to a friend, desiring to change the world and despairing to complain)

The feeling of not being allowed to complain is one of the primary ways that abusive settings perpetuate themselves. Complaints are a symptom that things are wrong, and implicitly a demand for things to change, so toxic communities do their best to indoctrinate people into the belief that "complainers" are bad people, that complaint is "a waste of time", that complaint is a sign of "weakness", that one's complaints are "frivolous", that one does not "deserve" to complain, that one does not have the "right" or the "authority" to complain, and so forth. It is a self-reinforcing process since to call it into question is to subject oneself to the accusations themselves.

To eschew complaint and wait for things to improve is to buy into the very system that estranges you. There is no glory in posing as the stoic hero; you cannot help others when you are reeling from your own wounds. Our glorification of solitary heroes is but another way of keeping people silent. There are no solitary heroes, there never have been; there are only communities of support. History chooses its heroes out of those communities in order to erase the community, to undermine the very support it gives. There are no "great men" in history, there are only great communities and great movements and the handful of names that get remembered.

Know this: you are always allowed complain. You are always allowed to exhibit your humanity, your pain, your unwillingness to suffer. That others may be worse off does not negate your own suffering. That others stay quiet —or have their voices silenced— does not negate the pain.

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