winterkoninkje: shadowcrane (clean) (Default)

For a few months now I’ve been increasingly convinced I have ADHD. I forget what exactly got me started thinking along those lines, but the more I started digging the more convinced I became. ((Then, in my usual impostor syndromey way, I started wondering if I “really” have it— that is, focusing on whether my internal psychological experiences match those of folks who have it, or whether I merely fit the external descriptions but am “really” just absentminded, bored, stupid, fill-in-the-blank. (Am I the only person who has metaphysical crises about the qualia of identity/diagnosis labels?) Luckily I found some folks willing to talk about their internal experiences and what convinced them that they had it. And, frankly, those descriptions sounded even more spot-on than any of the external descriptions I’d found all over the internet.))

This monday I went in for official screening. I’d already filled out a questionnaire thing for them, so this was for a computer test and a one-on-one with the doc. The “test” was more like a peripheral vision test or a psychological experiment than a test per se: press the button when you see a foo but not when you see a bar, etc. I’ve done plenty of timing-based psych experiments before, but this one was brutal. Unlike the usual random spacing of stimuli, the spacing for this test was like explicitly designed to be as aggravating as possible. As someone who’s good at videogames, not being able to “win” was awful. Yes, I know it’s the sort of test you’re supposed to fail, but still. If there were any doubt left by this point, just taking the test would’ve convinced me. When the doc and I went over the results, I did indeed fail with flying colors. Off the charts for one of the metrics ::chagrin::

So, yeah. Started meds yesterday and —like every other time I anguished over whether I “really” had something or not— the difference is like night and day. I really should learn to trust my self-diagnoses more.

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