winterkoninkje: shadowcrane (clean) (Default)
wren romano ([personal profile] winterkoninkje) wrote2017-04-22 10:03 pm

How not to communicate

When someone comes to you and says,

“hey, I don’t understand what you mean. Because sometimes you say A, and sometimes you say B. (Where A and B are mutually exclusive.) So what’s going on?”

It is not useful to say, “I’ve never changed my mind on this matter”. Even if that’s true, there’s a communication problem and whatever it is you think is not being conveyed.

It is not useful to say, “whenever I say something that doesn’t make sense you should ask”. That person is —at this very second— asking!

It is not useful to say, “I’m sorry you misunderstood”. Because no, you are not sorry in the slightest, you are a fucking jackass. When someone is asking you for clarification, blaming them for your failure to communicate does nothing to clarify matters. Moreover, words like these are an attack. That person was trying to bring up the existence of a communication failure, and because you are unwilling to accept responsibility for the fact that communication is a two-party process, you instead lash out and blame the person. The fact that you are incapable of accepting responsibility is one thing. But attacking the person for bringing the matter up for discussion says that such matters must never be brought up for discussion. This is how you construct a toxic environment.