winterkoninkje: shadowcrane (clean) (Default)

For a few months now I’ve been increasingly convinced I have ADHD. I forget what exactly got me started thinking along those lines, but the more I started digging the more convinced I became. ((Then, in my usual impostor syndromey way, I started wondering if I “really” have it— that is, focusing on whether my internal psychological experiences match those of folks who have it, or whether I merely fit the external descriptions but am “really” just absentminded, bored, stupid, fill-in-the-blank. (Am I the only person who has metaphysical crises about the qualia of identity/diagnosis labels?) Luckily I found some folks willing to talk about their internal experiences and what convinced them that they had it. And, frankly, those descriptions sounded even more spot-on than any of the external descriptions I’d found all over the internet.))

This monday I went in for official screening. I’d already filled out a questionnaire thing for them, so this was for a computer test and a one-on-one with the doc. The “test” was more like a peripheral vision test or a psychological experiment than a test per se: press the button when you see a foo but not when you see a bar, etc. I’ve done plenty of timing-based psych experiments before, but this one was brutal. Unlike the usual random spacing of stimuli, the spacing for this test was like explicitly designed to be as aggravating as possible. As someone who’s good at videogames, not being able to “win” was awful. Yes, I know it’s the sort of test you’re supposed to fail, but still. If there were any doubt left by this point, just taking the test would’ve convinced me. When the doc and I went over the results, I did indeed fail with flying colors. Off the charts for one of the metrics ::chagrin::

So, yeah. Started meds yesterday and —like every other time I anguished over whether I “really” had something or not— the difference is like night and day. I really should learn to trust my self-diagnoses more.

winterkoninkje: shadowcrane (clean) (Default)

This year's self-improvement goal was to get back into blogging regularly. Part of that goal was just to get back into writing regularly; the other part was specifically to publish more regularly.

I've done fairly well on the first half, actually. I'd hoped to do better, but then all year I've had to deal with spoon-draining circumstances, so I've probably done about as well as I can without sacrificing my health. One of my other self-improvement goals has been to take my health seriously, to listen to my body rather than pushing it beyond its limits. I'm on-track for improving at both of these, I just need to stop beating myself up over it.

For the second half, the publishing bit, that I've done poorly. I'd like to blame the spoon vortex here too, but really I think the biggest problem is my perfectionism. Perfectionism greatly amplifies the problem of lacking spoons: both the editing itself, as well as the emotional fallout of missing the mark or of having taken the entire day to hit it, both of these cost spoons. The real aim behind my goal to publish regularly wasn't to have more words to my name, but rather to “get out there” more, to be more productive in-and-of-itself rather than to have more products. So I've started thinking: the real target for this self-improvement goal should not be publishing regularly, but rather should be (working to) overcome perfectionism.

If perfectionism is a problem of fear, then the thing I must address is that fear. So how to do it? One of the suggestions in that article is to let yourself fail. Not to lower your unreasonable standards (the party-line for what to do), but rather to allow yourself to not meet those standards. One of my standards is to be thought provoking, and hence to focus overmuch on essays. To try and break free from this, I'm thinking to start posting summaries of my daily dissertation progress. A nanowrimo sort of thing, though without the focus on word-count per se. I've read a few articles suggesting one should start their day by summarizing the previous day's progress, but I've never tried it. So here goes nothing :)

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