So which songs means a lot to You?

[winterkoninkje]

Recently there's been yet another blog meme playing tag around LiveJournal. One of the questions on it, at least as I interpreted it, was to list five songs that mean a lot to me. The question sort of stumped me and it took me a while to figure out exactly why.

Music used to have a lot of meaning to me, a lot of associations. Some of these made sense, things like "our song" for me and any number of lovers. (Brown Eyed Girl, Forever Young, In Your Eyes) Some were just plain weird, like songs that were always associated with one particular computer or video game. (Riders on the Storm, Killboy Powerhead) And, like other CTYers, there was always the canon of songs (American Pie, Stairway to Heaven, Istanbul (Not Constantinople), Birdhouse in Your Soul) which inevitably led to soft memories and that sordid admixture of elation and depression so frequently understated as "nostalgia".

It used to be nearly every song I owned had some specific emotion or moment or meaning. But then somehow, eventually, unknowingly things changed. I could blame the twin culprits Age and Time, but that wouldn't help anything even if they are at fault. Whether in the guise of centralizing all my music in electronic formats rather than the CDs and mix tapes of yesteryear; or the guise of getting so much more music; or growing more mature; or even simply time passing. I don't think casting blame would help.

But nevertheless that time has passed. I still enjoy music, I still have favorite songs, but somehow it's different now. I don't like songs just because they remind me of a first kiss or first love, or because they embody some aspect of an ideal society no matter how naïve. I like songs now because of their technical proficiency, because of the evocativeness of their lyrics or melody, or simply because of how they sound. Maybe this is part of Life's way of making us forget, that most powerful and only tool for easing the pain caused by living.

Music has always been a pipeline to my soul, I've always lost myself in their rhythms and meters as anyone who's seen me doing jigs or dancing to electronica can attest to. Which is actually part of the reason partnered dancing is so difficult for me—it's hard to let myself be moved by the music while remaining grounded enough to interact with the world—and part of the reason why I prefer more technical dances like Waltz, Charleston, and Lindy where I can loose myself in little techniques without loosing my partner, rather than dances like Salsa or East Coast Swing which never seem to have enough going on.

Music is still evocative—nothing makes me move quite like Dave Matthews Band's Two Step, makes me swoon like 4 Non Blondes' Drifting, makes me wistful like VNV Nation's Beloved, or makes me rage like Skunk Anansie's Selling Jesus—but it doesn't seem to mean as much disassociated from the arbitrary associations of my youth. Of course for many of the more powerful memories, those associations will never cede: Smurf will always be playing Vincent solo on stage at the talent show, Forever Young will always be the last dance and first kiss with Scully at that last dance of the last session of CTY, Rainbow Connection will always be the No-Mores' song, American Pie the last song at CTY dances, Anna Begins sitting in front of the computer in what used to be the tv/video-game room in my parents' house for hours and hours in the middle of the night chatting over IM with a certain someone in one of our last romances, Little Earthquakes with us breaking up. And some of those are still unchecked, still mean to much to be listened to accidentally, though I'll never tell which or why.