Reading Notes: Whipping Girl, chs.4–5

[winterkoninkje]

Chapters 4 and 5 capture much of the experience of transitioning and of being trans, respectively. These are the chapters which so many trans memoirs convey in their narration, though often they avoid stating it quite so directly. Both chapters do a good job of conveying the lived experience of trans women, and are well worth reading by cis audiences for that reason.

Although her experiences very closely mirror mine, I didn't get that "omg someone understands" feeling. Perhaps because it's not written in memoir style, or perhaps (more likely) because at this point in my life I'm well beyond needing validation for my gender or for being trans. Growing up I often secretly wished for people to recognize my girlish nature (they did). And as a young adult, I was always flattered when people felt safe enough to remark on my femininity (which they also did). These small gifts, whose value went unrecognized by those giving them, helped buoy me up against the rising tide of dysphoria and helped me finally come to terms with my identity. But by far the greatest validation was when I began HRT. As Serano describes, "The way [hormones] made me feel, and the subsequent changes they brought about in my body, just felt... right. There is really no other word to describe it." (Serano 2007:86) Indeed I could swear I've written those exact words to describe the experience on more than one occasion. The pain and suffering of dysphoria is profoundly difficult to convey to cis folks, but it's possible to convince them of its reality at least, if even sketched only in outline. Whereas, the rightness of having finally the correct hormones flowing through one's body is ineffable. Having had that experience, there is no question of who I am and no degree of harassment or censure could ever dislodge it.

---

Chapter 5 especially was nice to read as it cuts to the core of the fact that there are both conscious and subconscious components to our experiences of (our own) gender. I have always hated the term "gender identity" because it is typically used to deny the fact that trans people have a "gender" just the same as any cis person. However, Serano takes things in a different direction, namely: exploring the distinction between conscious acts like identifying with a group, vs unconscious acts of autosomatic experience. That is, she places transgenderism at the interface between our inherent experience of self and our conscious reflections on that experience. I find this interesting because of how it helps to reconcile certain challenges arising from cis people's lived experiences. That is:

Ever since coming to terms with the fact that I'm trans, I've always been open about it with my partners. Moreover, I'm attracted to people who live outside gender norms. Consequently, I've had many intimate conversations with people who are cisgender yet nevertheless have complex sexual/gender identities. Their stories do not fit neatly into the standard "sex vs gender" framework designed to encompass trans lives. Although my cis partners' experiences with gender differ from my own (and from those of other trans people I've talked with), there are nevertheless striking similarities in need of theoretical explanation.

When someone resolutely asserts they belong to the sex they were assigned at birth and yet also asserts they do not belong to the gender officially associated with that sex, how are we to interpret this? In the standard framework we cannot. (Unless we presume they are lying to themselves and are actually trans— which is unconscionably rude.) Whereas, under Serano's framework, reconciling one's conscious and subconscious experiences is something all people must do— both trans and cis. It is perfectly sensible that there are multiple ways for these experiences to be out of perfect harmony. Indeed, we should expect that most people's experiences are not in perfect harmony, that most people experience some measure of dissonance between what they feel and how they think about what they feel. How many people truly feel no conflict whatsoever between their bodies and the ways society interprets those bodies? Plenty wish to challenge what it means to be a woman, without ever wishing to challenge the fact of being a woman. And plenty wish to live and be treated as other than women, without ever wishing to change their bodies nor ever experiencing the pain of dysphoria. Serano's framework offers a way to understand these narratives without dismissing them nor misinterpreting them as "trans-lite".